holy fuck.
my dad just called to tell me that my mom is going into ANOTHER emergency surgery. apparently when they drained her lungs the other day, something happened and now shes bleeding in her lungs and she might not make it. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
my dad was crying on the phone and freaking out and ive been crying and i dont even know what to say or do or think.
dfhjjdhfgjhdsgfjkhdsfkjh i dont even know. just shoot me please, i cant do this.

jhpoiupkrjthsdkjghskljh

my mom is going into emergency surgery right now, she got an infection last week and apparently it got really bad so theyre trying to fix it, im not really sure whats going on exactly but thats all i know so far.
this is ridiculous, and her sister is down from ohio and now my mom is gonna be in the hospital even longer, this is ridiculous.
doigujhsdkjdshgsdhg i dont even know. and now i have to work

edit-

my mom had an emergency surgery this morning because of an infection. it ended up being 5 hrs long, they found cancer + infection mixed together. so they ended up removing 2 ft of her intestines and shes in the ICU right now, and probably for another couple of days and then probably another week or so in the hospital. this is going on 3 weeks of her being in the hospital, please keep praying

im so mad that lj is down, its been down for the past hour or so. i need to write in my personal journal, but i guess ill settle for this one. i type faster than i hand write things, so its easier to use a computer.

my mom has cancer. again. shes been in the hospital since last tuesday, she had another surgery cuz the fucking cancer came back and she had a huge operation. like they fixed her hernia, removed part of her intestines where the cancer was and reattached them, and found more cancer in her stomach cavity. so i went to visit her a few days after the surgery and she was kinda delirious but not too bad. then i got sick and couldnt go back to visit her til this past tuesday (a few days ago). she was sitting up in a chair when we came in and we brought her soup and she was wide awake and she ate soup and drank tea while i was there, i was so excited. i thought she was doing better, but every time ive talked to my dad, hes told me shes been disoriented and confused, and how he thinks shes not actually getting better and theres a pit in his stomach, basically that we have no hope. its awful, tonight he told me that she told him she thinks shes gonna die. like what the heck, i dont understand. i thought she was getting better. my brother keeps telling me we need to be positive and every time i talk to my dad he acts like our whole world is falling apart. what i hate the most is that the 2 people that have kept me together since for the past 22 years are the ones that are falling apart. and my husband, oh my god. i might kill him before this whole thing is over, or just leave him. he keeps being such an ass, i swear he doesnt even care about all of this. hes thrown 3 hissy fits about nothing since ive gotten home tonight. and yesterday he flipped the fuck out at me. i feel so alone, i feel like nobody is even on my side or there for me to talk to. i dont have a best friend anymore, and the people i know would care are not here, theyre far away. and it just sucks. i hate all of this. i feel like im falling apart now. i feel so alone, i cant even put it into words. my heart hurts.

i am NOT judgmental. i dont really care what you think of me anymore, ive had the same standards and morals since you met me. you know that. im just trying to be a good wife, daughter, sister and christian. i still believe the exact same things i did then and i still have the exact same views on everything. if you dont wanna talk to me or tell me anything, fine. i dont care. if you dont wanna open up to me, then im not going to listen or try to be there for you. ive never done anything but try to look out for my siblings and friends and if you dont want to be part of that list, fine. i want you to be able to talk to me, and i want to be able to talk to me but if i cant share my opinion then theres no point. but i dont even know what to say.

so ive been insanely busy with work, but i finally did another thing that i can check off my list- 

45. Print, blow up, and frame some of my photos- 07/23/09- printed and framed 7 of my pictures

here are some of the pictures that i took

 and printed out 

so its been a while since ive written here, but i have a job AND marc has a job too! he started today at a law firm in orlando as an assistant to the marketing director. i hope he likes it, its going to be a bunch of random stuff and very different from what hes used to, but i hope he enjoys it. his is also fulltime, while mine is part time. 

another thing to cross of the list is that I GOT A MAC! im so freaking happy, its soooo nice. i also got an ipod touch out of the deal :-) 

80. Buy a Mac-07/10/09

another one is #34, meet 10 new people, i filled that one with training/work last week- 

 

34. Meet 10 new people (in person) (11/10)- Jordan, Mitch, Lauren, Ashley (Jeremy's friends, June 3/4/5, 2009), asiya, dante, derrick, alyson, erica, erin, lacey, etc. (preflight services, july 2009)

1. Find a job-07/03/09

I just got hired to work at the Sanford airport here to work at a ticket counter for one of the companies.

its part time but im still counting it. also, its seasonal so it technically ends at the end of october, but im gonna see if i can find something else thats part-time too so i can do that on my days off.

and ive been watching a bunch of movies lately- hot fuzz, confessions of a shopaholic, and inkheart.

thats about the only things ive been doing on my list because ive been doing a bunch of stuff to get that job (interview tuesday that was almost 2 hours long, drug test wednesday, fingerprinting today, etc.) and visiting my mom in the hospital, shes been throwing up since last friday (one whole week, my poor mommy) and shes been in the hospital since sunday night and they finally pumped her stomach so hopefully she will get better soon. so you should pray for her, she needs to get better! :-(

last thing- im changing some of the things on my list, because i honestly dont care about them anymore.